Why you should attend your high school reunions

6 12 2017



Nobody wants to attend high school reunions.  They rank right up there with root canals, lobotomies, and clerking for Roy Moore.

The 10 year comes pretty quick, most people from the last ten years still have some basic contact and its easier to arrange, you have a much better chance of getting people to attend the 10 year than other later years.

The 20 year, 40 year etc people are more eager to attend, they want to see if they outlived those other assholes standing next to the punch bowl.

So when you do attend, you want to come correct. Dress the part, look the part, if you’ve not achieved that lifetime success your destined for, spin it positive:  “Well I’m a 6th year senior at community college because I’ve taken some time off to finish my novel.”

You’ll probably have a rough idea who’s coming to this party a few days in advance, and if your not married yet, fresh divorced, or just 28 and on that constant hunt for something better.  You probably know if your ex is coming, or maybe better, your crush.


noun   1. deform, pulverize, or force inwards by compressing forcefully.

verb informal  2. a brief but intense infatuation for someone, especially someone unattainable or inappropriate.



So be ready for that moment when she arrives in a late model German sedan, steps out in sensible pumps, straight killing it in a business suit, TRY really hard not to act impressed.  This is the girl who was always pretty enough, made excellent grades, and finished well in the top 10 graduates.  You always kept notice for those 4 years, but never really acted on it.  Everyone goes improved cylinder scatter after graduation, and you probably lost track of all those people who weren’t in your direct circle of friends and didn’t linger around your hometown wasting time.  They were out determined to better themselves and actually amount to something. Global purchasers for Fortune 500 companies, upper management, highly skilled power positions.  This chick just usurped every hot cheerleader that you wasted time trying to bang for four years.   And she probably has a bigger office than you do.  See above def 2 of crush if you find yourself emotionally confused.

Say hello, be cordial, lots of stuff will hit you like that hard carb pipe you made in woodshop, the one your friends called the red death.  Lets go through the five stages of OMG she’s hot now grief:

Denial: No way that’s Felicia, she’s had massive work done

Anger: Kicking yourself in the ass because you were chasing some dumb whore who only gave you heartache, and now Devil wears Prada just walked into your reunion, and admittingly you had many chances years ago to ask her out.  You can’t do it now because….thats at least 3ct. of diamonds set on saddle set platinum wedding band, left hand.  Left hand.

Bargaining: Well there’s always  “let me buy you a drink, sit as closely as possible without getting black flagged by everyone else at the party.  Now at this point you have to choose which villain you want to be, turn to page 61 to go for it and disregard that left hand hardware.  Turn to page 41 to be the nice guy only making subtle statements like “remind me again why we never went out”   Footnote: Page 61 ends with an enraged husband tossing you into a pit of deadly snakes.  See crush def 1.

Depression:  This will likely roll into full effect the next day or the Monday after the party.  Bonus points for multi-pronged depression for all the embarrassing stuff you ended up doing at the party, coupled with the regret for not acting on what was ample opportunities to ask out someone who actually much better than most of the people you ever dated. The grass is always greener, don’t take it hard, this is a teachable moment, if you have feelings for someone let them know about it.  The worst they can do is hit you right?

Acceptance: By a certain point in life everyone you ever halfway liked is married to someone.  I don’t believe there is any greater regret than missed opportunities, especially good opportunities with good people.  Most people are always trying to improve themselves, or at least making it look that way.  Deal with it, try not to be a fuck boy the rest of your life, don’t be an asshole, make moves, treat people well and wear sunscreen.