Michael Phelps-just a NORML guy

4 02 2009

Phelps, your friends are weak dude.  Whomever sold you out for a few thousand bucks to a rag mag is no real friend. You have just learned the hard way that drugs and cameras don’t mix.  You have to assume that everyone with a phone is a photographer and that there are hidden security cameras in every corner, waiting to knock you off the highest pedestal in the athletic world.  I am taking a chance with my own reputation even commenting on the situation, but I speak for those who are not offended by your latest screw up.  As terrible as this is going to be for you over the next few weeks (think sponsor money gone) you might have said more in that one picture than the thousand words you stumbled all over on your SNL appearance.  Proof that recreational smokers are not all unemployed bums living in their mother’s basement.   All the public service announcements about pot smokers never becoming successful have been debunked.  The new poster boy for recreational smokers everywhere is the most successful Olympic athlete EVER.  Zig-Zag is on line one.

For those of us who pay attention, we can spot a smoker on another continent.  The big indicator for myself was the media constantly saying:  “He listens to a rapper they call Little Wayne on his Ipod right up to the minute he gets ready to swim”.  Um, yea.  Stoner.  That Weezy album, The Carter III contains Wayne’s ten minute tirade about the decriminalization of marijuana laws.  In fact, Wayne is so stoned on that album the pro-toke overtone becomes monotonous by the end of the CD.  This seemed to fly right over the heads of every Olympic pundit for two weeks, but you have officially ended any speculation.  Square white people have never really understood their children.  They try, but they are so disconnected by the generation gap that the best they can come up with is “he must have had a momentary lapse in reasoning”.  I’ll say.  Before you hold a press conference and issue your second mea culpa think about what you really want to say.  Do you follow the script to satisfy the sponsors, or do you get real and tell the world to chill out?  I’m going to assume you’ll have to speak out against the evils of the herb and make a huge donation to DARE along with many hours of community outreach to youths with drug problems.  At least you get to keep the medals.  I know you’ve been underwater for the past several years but you have got to be careful, the DUI a few years ago brought enough negative attention to your alter boy status.  Enjoy your time in the off season but you should be uber-paranoid about whom you chill with, remember almost anyone has a price.

So the real question is: Is this a defeat for Phelps and his straight edge sponsers, or the gold medal for recreational marijuana smokers worldwide?


Before The DARE Program, Kentucky Had Cowboy Louie

20 11 2008

Some of you that attended Kentucky’s county elementary schools might remember a cowboy magician that toured in the 80’s.  His name was Cowboy Louie Mitchell, and he worked at Loretta Lynn’s dude ranch in Tennessee.  The same ranch that hosts the annual motocross championship.  As a fourth grader at Knifley Elementary School this was one of the best entertainment shows we got during the school year.  We had every type of motivational speaker come save us from class.  Folk singers, interpretive dancers, puppet shows, boo these people.  Bring out Cowboy Louie.  This was the era of Nancy Reagan’s war on drugs, and before DARE was created.  Rural students learned about the evils of drugs via Louie’s scary stories.


Cowboy Louie’s show was a mixture of magic, comedy, and the anti-drug message.  The best part of his traveling road show was the merchandise table, and the signature magic suckers.  These suckers were homemade and hand wrapped in clear cellophane.  They were trapezoid shaped and transparent red.  No doubt 99% sugar, but they were incredibly good.  His anti-drug message was overshadowed by the fact he got us addicted to these red suckers and once we were out, it took a year before we could score more.  The other items on his shwag table were just fluff to accent the suckers.  Louie bucks, which were jumbo thousand dollar bills with his picture, autographed photos, pens, pencils and erasers, all crap, we want the suckers.  I think they were three for a dollar, but if you bought in bulk and hoarded your supply til everyone else was out, you could name your price.

Louie would pull rabbits out of his ten gallon hat, cut an 8th grade girl in half, and make your teacher disappear.  Usually he picked the most attractive teacher from the crowd and dragged her onstage to the excitement of the kids.  If I were to see this now, I’m sure it would look fake, but to a crowd of magic sucker addicted ten year olds, this was better than the Christmas play.  (yes in the 80’s we had Christmas plays)  He would make the kids chant his funny, magic word:  Emo-shimmy-sho-la-di-da.  I don’t know why I remember that, there must be others like me.  I do recall the bus drivers hated Cowboy Louie day.  They got to deliver a busload of screaming kids on a serious sugar high, down the crooked gravel roads of Adair County.

There is sadly no information on the system of tubes about Cowboy Louie.  One old blog claims that he passed away in 2001.  Apparently his daughter became a semi-famous singer from Nashville Tonya Mitchell,  her Wikipedia entry says Louie passed away.  He might not have became famous, but he was a memorable role model to many of Kentucky’s students.  Motivational speakers were usually a get out of class free pass, but Cowboy Louie was fun.  If anybody else remembers this guy, drop a line.  I believe he regularly toured the rural school circuit, my friends from city schools had never heard of him.